I got a Glock in my 'Rari

Hello earthlings! I have a yarn to weave!
First of all I swore I would never tell this story but every time I do it gets a little more funny so I figure why the heck not, ya know?
Secondly I follow a lot of blogs and they're mostly young wives that talk about the woes of house-wifley arts and I gotta tell ya... I don't have enough hours in the day for that shit. "Aw your pie crust wasn't the right color? Cry me a river". And I know, in a couple years, I'll be 6 kids in and 50 pounds heavier and you'll all make me eat my words. For right now just leave me my vices.
Living with someone is weird, it just is. I have no romantic misconceptions of how wonderful cohabitation is.  When we were first living together I could not sleep to save my life. He's too hot, he snores, he's bigger then I am so when I fall asleep gravity compels me to roll towards him. It's anarchy.  Also sharing a bathroom is its own  horror. So one fitful night I found myself drifting in and out of sleep. At about 3am I was awoken suddenly by the sound of water hitting the carpet.
As my eyes flew open, I rapidly tried to get my neurons to make sense of the situation happening around me.  I found myself in the dark, crouching over our laundry basket, which I can only assume in my sleep addled state I somehow mistook for the toilet, peeing full stream.  The terror. The humanity. The unmitigated horror. This is a good spot to mention that we had just bought a new puppy that was observing me in my state as what can only be described as righteous indignation.
David woke as one being ripped from the grave screaming "is the dog peeing?!?!?!" I threw myself on the carpet "no!we're just playing" david slowly and suspiciously drifted off to sleep and I proceed to do the quickest load of laundry in my life.
Fin.

"OH Whiskers!!! Can't you see this is a rescue mission?!?!"

So my young adult years are quickly coming to a close and lately I've found myself reliving my dating years.  The unfortunate thing about looking back on the past is that you realize what an idiot you were.   As I was thinking about all of my friends and all the silly things, there was this particular group of people that I kept thinking about.  This particular group infuriated me to the point of loosing my mind and as I was thinking about it (keep in mind this is like 5 years later sitting on my bed) I kept getting like PTSD feeling about how much I wanted to shake them at the time.  And now being wiser and older and much more mature Im going to talk about them on the internet behind there backs.  See what I did there?

This group of people would just repeatedly say things that would push me over the edge and first im going to address the male contingent of this group because if i wanted to talk about what girls said I might have to write a book and ain't nobody got time for that.  This group of guys were all very similar and I felt that there was this cycle they would go through of talking to some girl and then she would date some else and then all of a sudden all we could talk about is how "nice guys finish last" "I hate the friend zone" "gee I wish girls didn't like assholes because then I would be happy" "I would be happy if I had a girlfriend"  are you picking up what Im saying here.  So lets just delve into this, shall we?  So what Im seeing here is that you obviously classify yourself as a "nice guy".  Which if following this logic there are two types of men in this world; nice guys and assholes.  Technically I suppose your not wrong, you might be oversimplifying a little but lets just go with it.  So what are the characteristics that separate the "nice guys" from everyone else?  There are a few things that I would say generally characterize nice guys but I think that its their thought process that really sets them appart and this is how it goes.  They are nice to a girl in a generally friendly way, they become passive about their own opinions if they are in disagreement with this girl, they life this girl up into goddess like status, they then get this sense of entitlement like "these girls owe me because i was nice to them", they then when that doesn't work they try to buy love and then after that they pawn all responsibility for the situation onto that bitch girl and her asshole boyfriend.  

First off, let me explain something to you being passive is not the same thing as being nice just like being confident or even cocky is not the same thing as being an asshole.  At some point in your life you are going to be required to stand up for an opinion or something you believe in and, coming from myself, who is in a long term committed relationship, am telling you that about 75% of the time that person you're standing up to is your significant other.  When you begin a life with someone the first thing you realize that you are literally living with a stranger.  You don't do laundry the same, you don't cook your food the same way,  you don't clean the same way and you don't even breath the same way. And let me tell you, its amazing.  Learning how to fight with someone is one of the most hysterical and ridiculous and fantastic things you will ever do.  One of the most reassuring things that I have in this world is that I know that when I push, he'll push right back at me.  I know that if he can fight with me, he'll fight along side of me even more.  This all started for us right from the get go when we were first dating.  He wasn't afraid to disagree with me and i sure as hell was not afraid to tell him exactly how it was.  agreeing with everything that comes out of someone's mouth is not doing you any favors,  all your doing is building this fake sense of assurance that you have no differences and thats just boring. 

On the tails of that comes point number 2.  Once you as a "nice guy" have established yourself as a complete push over you quickly follow that up with lifting this girl up onto a pedestal.  really? really? She's not perfect she's a human being.  She deserves your opinions, she deserves your support.  Your not an empty vessel put on this earth to bring glory to your girlfriend.  stop. Let me tell you how quickly that mirage comes crashing down.  The moment your perfect sweet butterfly has hershey squirted all over the bathroom because she's pregnant with your first child.  Stop the lies now.  Neither of you are perfect.    

After all this niceness unfortunately comes the impending rejection and its like every single time they were blindsided by the fact that she had some sort of opinion and that, surprise, it was negative.  Its like they went through all this work to lift her above human status that they forgot that she's ALOUD to not like you.  She's aloud to not want to date you.  Thats perfectly normal!  What YOU'RE not aloud to do is feel entitled like "Im nice therefor you should date me." Im sorry your supposed to be kind to people thats like a general rule.....I think its called the golden one actually.  You don't get some sort of award for doing something your supposed to do anyway.  You're not supposed to be nice to people just to get them to like you, first off bad strategy, second of all thats not really that nice.  You either want to date her or you don't want to date her so when you act like "just her friend"  your going to go right with all her other friends in the "friend zone" because your behavior directly said you wanted to be there.  I heard  this guy on youtube say once that "nice guys think they get put in the friend zone solely for being nice, and thats not true.  Friends get put in the friend zone for being very friendly".  AND ITS SO TRUE! It roles right back into the assertive thing being nice is awesome we should all be kind to everyone! but if you don't assert yourself and your desires your just that....nice. 

So once a guys realized that he's effed up and all his efforts to nice the pants right off this girl have failed, he slips into this very barbaric prehistoric need to buy her affections.  You buy her flowers and gifts and food and your all like "why doesn't she like me now?!?!" Im sorry, this is not some sort of transaction.  You don't just get to walk up to the counter of life and say "hey, I'm here to cash in my cordial coupons for some sex and romance please" Thats not how it works.

So then this girl starts dating some guy because he's an asshole and she just couldn't handle someone being nice to her.  This. makes. no. sense.  You my dear sweet angle face,  are coping out.  You are giving the responsibility's of your feelings to someone else and your coming off as really insecure.  "I feel what she makes me feel" mentality is not sexy.  Its sad, alright, be a man.  Stop using this whole nice guy thing as a crutch and get out there.  So I guess in conclusion internet friends,  a nice guy is a confident man who can appreciate being a kind person but understands that not everyone is going to like him and he's ok with that.  Knowledge for your faces.  boom.  

Go away or I shall taunt you a second time!

So I got engaged recently (woo) and let me just tell you how excited I am.  Like on a scale from moon walk to "HEE-HEE", I'm like Never Never Land excited. (This was a Michael Jackson reference in case you didn't have 10 cups of coffee this morning and aren't keeping up with me).  We were really lucky in that we were on vacation and had a good solid 2 days to be by ourselves before dealing with the world.  I kid you not, as soon as we got back, the stupid advice started appearing in spades.  And because you are very dear to me, sweet none existent reader, I would not hold endless entertainment from you.  So here are the things that I have been either asked, told or learned about "marriage" in the past month.

Firstly, we had no cell reception where we were so I was very limited in the people that I could tell.  The people I did tell however immediately asked me "did you set a date yet?!?"  Im sorry. What? I was shocked at first like geez I must have very silly friends that they would ask that within 10 seconds of me actually getting engaged.  Yet as I continued to tell people over the 48 hours following the momentous occasion, literally 98% of people asked me that and then I began to think that maybe I was the crazy one for thinking this was crazy.  Then I saw other people get engaged and discovered that this is an actual thing.  Like people get engaged knowing when they are going to get married already and then proceed to tell people the date.  So my plea to you is this... as a society can we decide that when someone tells us that they are engaged to just wait for them to tell you when the date is...there is no need to prod them for it.  If they want you to know, they will most assuredly tell you.

Secondly,  the guest list is taking over my life.  Going into wedding planning I was naive enough to think that I could get my list to under 75 people.  Then I began to draft it and realized that I was now at 48 people just within my family and I hadn't gotten to friends, roommates, coworkers or even the bridal party yet.  So then I made the mistake of asking people for their opinions about who I should invite, NEVER AGAIN IN MY LIFE! "Invite everybody in your family or people wont invite you to Christmas parties." "Don't invite people if you don't think they'll bring gifts" "More people=more gifts" "Just do a general invitation to the church and singles ward"  "make sure you invite your 3rd cousin...she'll be offended"  Basically the general theme was "DONT OFFEND PEOPLE!" and then I decided something that has changed this whole process.  I give no cares...not a single care was given by me while finishing the guest list.  I don't like everyone in my family, especially if I haven't heard from them in 15 years.  I most definitely don't like everybody at church and I don't care who feels like they "deserve" to be invited.  You wanna know who deserves to go? Me and David.  Other then that I don't really need anyone else so just pump your breaks general public, ok?

Thirdly, me setting a date has caused mass panic the likes of which I have never seen.  We got engaged the last week in July and I set my date for September 27, 2014.  Thats over a year so I will be out of school and I have enough time to plan a wedding on a budget.  So I go to tell people this (since they have been pestering me since forever) and immediately everyone is like OH MY GOSHHHH WHYYYYYY!!!! HOW CAN YOU WAIT THAT LONG?!?!?!?! ok first off, lets all just collectively calm our tits and just pipe down.  How can I wait that long? I have no money, thats how I can wait that long.  If I could afford the wedding of my dreams tomorrow, trust me when I say, it would be tomorrow.  I'm not going to compromise my dream wedding for some crappy fire hall/ cultural hall shin dig simply for the preconceived notion that long engagements are a breeding ground for problems.  A side note on this topic I told my extremely religious great aunt my date and her describing to me the likely hood of sexual misconduct while trying to not say anything inappropriate was like...the best hahaha one of the sweetest women I know and I actually really appreciated her honesty.

And finally I recently told my dad that I wasn't going to have a guest book and he told me I had too.  I was like why and he said "because everybody does, its tradition" to which I responded "Dad wheres your guest book" "....I don't know".  Which begs the question, do you need it?  Like if I had 400 people invited I totally get it but my guest list is at 150 right now and Im expecting it to be finalized at like 120.  I feel like that doesn't require a guest book.  Which leads into this struggle that I've had with a lot of things, apparently I have to wear a veil, have a guest book, do a receiving line and not see the groom till the alter. Why?  Why are these things? Can we just decide that they're not things?  Because I'm not doing any of them and you cant make me.

Soooo yeah.  Thats me today.  

"And there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth..."

Good morrow interwebs! It has been...an age!  (sorry I've been like super into the hobbit the past week and everything I do now is tinged with Sir Ian Mckellon, a thousand apologies)

Anyways what uuuuuuup!!! Oh. My. Gosh.  I haven't even started and this is slowly deteriorating.  Lets just jump right into it, shall we?

This is my first blog in a million years so I decided "hey lets not think to hard and just say something funny".  So here my dear non existent reader is a list of things that my parents did that permanently scared me as a child.  What a great segway! and by great I mean there was none.  You're welcome! ROLL CAMERA!

When I was 9 my dad shot a stray cat while it was having sex with our cat because he didn't want kittens and he felt the need to protect our cat from STDs and teenage pregnancy.  True story.

When I was 5 my mom was really into making me believe in Santa Clause so on Christmas Eve she convinced my dad to climb the stairs to my attic bedroom and start ringing jingle bells.  Guess what.  She fell down the stairs. There is no Santa Clause.

When I was a senior my dad misinterpreted me saying that I was sad because I didn't have a date to prom as "hey dad please find me a date to prom." so he asked someone to ask me to senior prom.  ps I hate this person with the strength of a thousand suns.

I got my period right before the 7th grade pool party and had never used a tampon before and my mom just so happened to be at work so my dad decided to demonstrate what a tampon is by taking one of my moms super extra ultra massive tampons and dropping it into a dixie cup full of water.

My mom told the guy I'm dating that I had constipation issues as a child.  Thanks mom.

When I came home the night after my first kiss my dad said and I quote "Did he slip you the tongue".   Excuse me while I go drink bleach.

All that aside I think my parents did a dang good job hahaha anyways sooooo yeah that's my life today.

First World Problems

Everyone is so grateful for everything this time of year.  Its disgusting.  Seriously from Thanksgiving to New Years social media at large is bombarded with "what I'm grateful for" posts,  Look-at-my-glorious-feast Instagrahms and #ifyouloveyourfamilyclapyourhands tweets.   Bah Humbug!  I'm a selfish person the rest of the year so by golly I will be for the last month and a half.  In the tradition of non conformity that I cling to I will try and combat the nauseating sentiments that seem to permeate the air this season by giving you my list of things that I'm not grateful for.   It will be written in the style of "First World Problems".  Many of you have probably heard of this but for those of you haven't here is a brief explanation.  "First World Problems" are those irritating things that make you want to kill yourself that the starving children in Africa probably wouldn't understand.  So here are the things I'm not grateful for.... and loath.

• When you were NOT in a terrible accident and your seat belt decides to become the safety harness of death for no apparent reason, but the moment something actually happens its all like loosy goosy "hey I'm a seat belt I didn't graduate college do you expect me to save your life? not today."
• When you're out on a date and they order water and now you're forced to order water because if you don't a) you'll look like a fat lard with your carbonated beverage and b) like you don't care that you're willy nilly spending his money on conveniences such as fountain drinks.
• When Mary Poppins is standing in front of you in the grocery store and decides to look for exact change in the very bottom of her carpet bag
• Mary Poppins is blind and couldn't tell that that was in fact a nickle not a quarter
• When the cord hooking up your ipod to your car isn't long enough to reach to the back seat. 
• You hate your Christmas gift
• You hate your birthday gift
• You hate life...just kidding just wanted to go with the pattern

anyways those are just some of the things that I'm not grateful for.  you're welcome.  soooo yeah.

JUST TELL ME WHAT TO THINK!

I have a very particular taste in movies.  To the chagrin of everyone who has to watch them with me.  Most of my friends now will not watch any movies that I want to because somehow I have gotten this reputation of having absolutely no idea what "good entertainment" is.  This topic was brought to mind by me, yet again, being rebuked for recommending what I thought was a fantastic movie.  The movie in question?  Rock of Ages.  The charge being that "its totally unbelievable and the plot to easily resolved".  SOOO I am going to try and justify this movie and by doing that, my movie tastes hahaha.

First off this movie starts with a beautiful rendition of "Sister Christian" sung by an entire bus full of people that morphs into a "Just Like Paradise" and then ends with Alec Baldwin with long hair and Russel Brant as his usual raggedy Jesus self singing "Nothing but a Good Time" in what could be argued as one of the GREATEST HAIR BAND MASH UP BEGINNINGS OF A MUSICAL EVER so right off the bat...eff your face haters.  i  could end the whole argument here. 

Anyways so apparently this person doesn't like this movie because its unbelievable which is actually one of the main criticisms I get for what I like all the time.  And this is what I have to say to that....DUH!  Your sitting in a velvety seat eating 10 dollar popcorn watching a giant screen that images of people are projected on...does any of that sound real to you? No? BECAUSE ITS NOT REAL!  I don't want to pay 7+ dollars for them to show me a documentary! I want there to be explosions, graphics, zombie apocalypse, or someone falling madly in love within the first 15 minutes or I want my money back!  If I wanted to watch something real I would go to the damn woods and watch a tree grow!  Secondly, this is a musical movie, the most unreal of all movies ever.  So your argument is invalid yet again.  Thirdly the movie is about a small town girl moving to LA and making it big, falling in love, and having her boob grabbed by Tom Cruise, because all of those things are totally realistic!  No one wants to go to the movie "Small-town-girl-moves-to-LA-works-minimum-wage-and-becomes-a-prostitute-to -pay-her-bills-gets-pregnant-with-movie-rental-place-owner-and-starts-wearing-a-muumuu".  I want just enough reality to suck me in and then in enough ridiculous to distract me from my life. 

Secondly "the plot was resolved to easily".  My argument for this one rests heavily on the first premise that movies are in fact not real.  Real life is hard, and messy, and gross, and nothing works out that easy.  So why in thee blue hell would I pay money to see it!  Eff that I can just stay home and fight with my divorced parents!  Or spend 10 minutes talking to my teenage sister about her drama!  My absolute favorite thing about movies is it gives me completely unfounded hope that everything in my life is going to magically work out in the end because if  Mr. Sparks penned it, then I can live it gosh dang it!  It makes me happy! I like walking out of a movie saying "Wow Sandra Bullok really inspired me to love others and help the needy" not "MAN! I'm so glad everyone died in that movie and it was rainy the whole time!"  seriously. 

anyways that's my thoughts today.  Go buy the soundtrack to Rock of Ages.  You need it.

Explosians are not comfortable

I was told I had big boobs today and it totally changed my life.  I'm not kidding.  I was standing at work today with three other girls.  The one girl was leaning over the hostess stand and as a joke the other girl was all like "put those away before I get jealous!"  (It was funny i swear not gross hahaha) I then looked at her and say "Yeah seriously! I wish I had half of your good luck"  they then proceeded to all stare at me with this half quizzical half comical looks on their faces and said "Emily...you have big boobs".  BOOM!  Holy mother of paradigm shifts.

And here's a little education for your craniums inter-webs people!  In the Martin-Webster dictionary a paradigm has three definitions which you may choose to look up with on your own for I have not the finger strength to type it all out.... nor the patients.  Anyways a paradigm is defined as "an outstandingly clear or typical example or archetype".  So therefor a paradigm shift is then a radical change in an underlying belief or theory.  I'm super smart, its whatever, you learn to live with it.

Genetically speaking I should have giant mounds of mammary glands.  We are curvy bunch, the Bell clan, what can I say.  When I was 10 I got my first training bra and I remained an A cup until I was in like....12th grade.  In stark contrast, however, my sister was a size D in 8th grade.  My mother! My Aunt! My grandmother! RACKS! Seriously! I had like negative amount of chestiness!  I owed back breast tax!  I matured past an A eventually but still I always have had small lady lumps because in comparison to everyone around me...they ARE tiny!

I looked these girls up and down and was like....oh my gosh....they have no boobs!  So compared to them I have tons of breasticles!  It suddenly began this huge thought avalanche through my whole brain! What other things in my life that I thought were beliefs were just misconceptions waiting to be shaken by the roots?!  Do I really look best in blue?  Is my favorite food really spaghetti?!  Maybe I should give yogurt a try even though I lie and tell everyone I hate it when in actually I just don't like the way it looks (its not a liquid its not a solid....its not going in my mouth).  Is the sky even blue?!

That's my life today.