I have had serious anxiety problems all my life. I'm basically afraid of everything new and remotely fun. This past week I did two things that I swore I would never do: learned how to drive stick and flew across the country.
When I was 16 I started learning how to drive with my dad in what was supposed to be my first car, a super old crappy Ford truck.... manual. I love my dad don't get me wrong but his teaching methods are a little, well, lets just say I'm really glad that that truck met an untimely death and was indeed NOT my first vehicle. This year my sister left for college and took my trusty Geo with her *sob* which necessitated me getting a new car. Insert 2001 Ford Ranger..... manual. sigh. The thought of driving stick just terrifies me! "What if I drift back and hit someone? What if I get distracted trying to shift and hit someone? What if I stall in the middle of an intersection and someone hits me!?!?!?! HUH?!?!?! WHAT HAPPENS THEN!!!!!!!!" People have been trying to teach me all summer and bless their hearts I'm just the most unteachable human being on the face of this planet! Well Hannah left last week and there I was with two options: Ranger or 12 seater van. Damn it. So as I was sitting on my couch this Wednesday, glaring at the thing in my driveway contemplating the unfairness of the universe I decided "Eh. The heck with it, I'm gonna drive the dang thing if it kills me". So I grabbed the keys off the counter and skipped on my merry way. Then the most miraculous thing happened. I drove it....like actually drove it! HAZA!
Secondly I flew again! Flying just terrifies me to the point were I can't really describe it. I can't even think about flying. Seriously. Well my dear friend Janelle Helman got married on Saturday in California and I was GOING to be there. Originally I was going to drive and do a super huge road trip with my best friend but unfortunately that fell through and my only option was to fly. Every time I have flown it has been a horribly traumatic experience. This time it was about a 7 hour flight and that gives you a lot of time to think about life and your fears. I discovered a few things on that trip. I will never be without fear, thats just impossible. I don't need to limit my life to one side of the fence simply because I'm to scared to jump over it or too dumb to walk around it. I can live with my fear! Having fear makes me stronger! To be able to say "I did that even though I thought I couldn't" is the greatest joy of being human. This idea alone gives me unlimited possibilities with my life! It gives me a new perspective on how to face challenges. I can do anything and that is my God given right. I am only limited by my drive to get there and my fear of failing. "I am the master of my fate! I AM THE MASTER OF MY SOUL!"
I remember my very first driving lesson...it was also with your father. Church parking lot...big blue boat of a car that had the the high beam switch on the floor by the break pedal (not kidding)...didn't go very well if I remember correctly. But on the plus side? Automatic!
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