"Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear!"

I have a few amazing things to talk about today and it might take a while so you might wanna make yourself a sandwich.

I have had serious anxiety problems all my life.  I'm basically afraid of everything new and remotely fun.  This past week I did two things that I swore I would never do: learned how to drive stick and flew across the country.

When I was 16 I started learning how to drive with my dad in what was supposed to be my first car, a super old crappy Ford truck.... manual. I love my dad don't get me wrong but his teaching methods are a little, well, lets just say I'm really glad that that truck met an untimely death and was indeed NOT my first vehicle.  This year my sister left for college and took my trusty Geo with her *sob* which necessitated me getting a new car.  Insert 2001 Ford Ranger..... manual. sigh.  The thought of driving stick just terrifies me!  "What if I drift back and hit someone? What if I get distracted trying to shift and hit someone? What if I stall in the middle of an intersection and someone hits me!?!?!?! HUH?!?!?! WHAT HAPPENS THEN!!!!!!!!"  People have been trying to teach me all summer and bless their hearts I'm just the most unteachable human being on the face of this planet!  Well Hannah left last week and there I was with two options: Ranger or 12 seater van.  Damn it.  So as I was sitting on my couch this Wednesday, glaring at the thing in my driveway contemplating the unfairness of the universe I decided "Eh.  The heck with it, I'm gonna drive the dang thing if it kills me".  So I grabbed the keys off the counter and skipped on my merry way.  Then the most miraculous thing happened.  I drove it....like actually drove it! HAZA!

Secondly I flew again!   Flying just terrifies me to the point were I can't really describe it.  I can't even think about flying.  Seriously.  Well my dear friend Janelle Helman got married on Saturday in California and I was GOING to be there.  Originally I was going to drive and do a super huge road trip with my best friend but unfortunately that fell through and my only option was to fly.  Every time I have flown it has been a horribly traumatic experience.  This time it was about a 7 hour flight and that gives you a lot of time to think about life and your fears.  I discovered a few things on that trip.  I will never be without fear, thats just impossible.   I don't need to limit my life to one side of the fence simply because I'm to scared to jump over it or too dumb to walk around it.  I can live with my fear! Having fear makes me stronger!  To be able to say "I did that even though I thought I couldn't"  is the greatest joy of being human.  This idea alone gives me unlimited possibilities with my life!  It gives me a new perspective on how to face challenges.  I can do anything and that is my God given right.  I am only limited by my drive to get there and my fear of failing.  "I am the master of my fate! I AM THE MASTER OF MY SOUL!"

"Fate tried to conceal him by naming him 'Smith' "

So not that anyone reads this or whatever but if someone is you will have not failed to notice that I changed the name! woo!

Whenever I decided to finally break down and get me wanna these things I had the hardest time coming up with a name.  Heaven forbid I ever have to name a child.  The original name was "An Admiral Thing" which was a double meaning.  On the one hand it was part of a quote from my favorite book (Les Mis) but also I chose it because I had always talked bad about people who felt the need to make blogs and it was kind of my homage to my bravery in eating crow ha ha.  I wasn't really that sold on the name but I just decided "eh heck with it that will do".  Then about a month ago I was reading a cook book (I know I know its strange but I like it OK don't judge me)  and the title just was so cool and catchy and it was called "The Lady Had Seconds" (please control your shocked faces)  And I just couldn't get it out of my head which lead me to start thinking about the meaning behind it.

I hate being put in a box or labeled more then anything else in this world.  This has led to me being told on multiple occasions by just about everyone "I wish you would be a little more lady like".  Grr.  I think thats absolutely ridiculous because in my opinion I am very ladylike!  "being a lady" means different things to me I guess.  By my definition, a lady is a women who has passion.  Someone who knows who she is and what she wants and how to get it regardless of the opinions of the world or its meaningless trends, fads and fashions.  The thought of limiting the definition of a lady by such frivolous gender and social rolls to mean nothing more then crossing your ankles, saying please and thank you and never letting the skin above her knees show utterly baffles me.  Thats, I think, why I fell in love with the title.  Lady's aren't supposed to have anything more then a filling salad let alone seconds!  But you know what, my kind of lady doesn't just have seconds she has deserts too!

Honestly thats what this blog is supposed to be too.  An unapologetic view of my life and opinions.   So yeah.... eat up!