First World Problems

Everyone is so grateful for everything this time of year.  Its disgusting.  Seriously from Thanksgiving to New Years social media at large is bombarded with "what I'm grateful for" posts,  Look-at-my-glorious-feast Instagrahms and #ifyouloveyourfamilyclapyourhands tweets.   Bah Humbug!  I'm a selfish person the rest of the year so by golly I will be for the last month and a half.  In the tradition of non conformity that I cling to I will try and combat the nauseating sentiments that seem to permeate the air this season by giving you my list of things that I'm not grateful for.   It will be written in the style of "First World Problems".  Many of you have probably heard of this but for those of you haven't here is a brief explanation.  "First World Problems" are those irritating things that make you want to kill yourself that the starving children in Africa probably wouldn't understand.  So here are the things I'm not grateful for.... and loath.

• When you were NOT in a terrible accident and your seat belt decides to become the safety harness of death for no apparent reason, but the moment something actually happens its all like loosy goosy "hey I'm a seat belt I didn't graduate college do you expect me to save your life? not today."
• When you're out on a date and they order water and now you're forced to order water because if you don't a) you'll look like a fat lard with your carbonated beverage and b) like you don't care that you're willy nilly spending his money on conveniences such as fountain drinks.
• When Mary Poppins is standing in front of you in the grocery store and decides to look for exact change in the very bottom of her carpet bag
• Mary Poppins is blind and couldn't tell that that was in fact a nickle not a quarter
• When the cord hooking up your ipod to your car isn't long enough to reach to the back seat. 
• You hate your Christmas gift
• You hate your birthday gift
• You hate life...just kidding just wanted to go with the pattern

anyways those are just some of the things that I'm not grateful for.  you're welcome.  soooo yeah.

JUST TELL ME WHAT TO THINK!

I have a very particular taste in movies.  To the chagrin of everyone who has to watch them with me.  Most of my friends now will not watch any movies that I want to because somehow I have gotten this reputation of having absolutely no idea what "good entertainment" is.  This topic was brought to mind by me, yet again, being rebuked for recommending what I thought was a fantastic movie.  The movie in question?  Rock of Ages.  The charge being that "its totally unbelievable and the plot to easily resolved".  SOOO I am going to try and justify this movie and by doing that, my movie tastes hahaha.

First off this movie starts with a beautiful rendition of "Sister Christian" sung by an entire bus full of people that morphs into a "Just Like Paradise" and then ends with Alec Baldwin with long hair and Russel Brant as his usual raggedy Jesus self singing "Nothing but a Good Time" in what could be argued as one of the GREATEST HAIR BAND MASH UP BEGINNINGS OF A MUSICAL EVER so right off the bat...eff your face haters.  i  could end the whole argument here. 

Anyways so apparently this person doesn't like this movie because its unbelievable which is actually one of the main criticisms I get for what I like all the time.  And this is what I have to say to that....DUH!  Your sitting in a velvety seat eating 10 dollar popcorn watching a giant screen that images of people are projected on...does any of that sound real to you? No? BECAUSE ITS NOT REAL!  I don't want to pay 7+ dollars for them to show me a documentary! I want there to be explosions, graphics, zombie apocalypse, or someone falling madly in love within the first 15 minutes or I want my money back!  If I wanted to watch something real I would go to the damn woods and watch a tree grow!  Secondly, this is a musical movie, the most unreal of all movies ever.  So your argument is invalid yet again.  Thirdly the movie is about a small town girl moving to LA and making it big, falling in love, and having her boob grabbed by Tom Cruise, because all of those things are totally realistic!  No one wants to go to the movie "Small-town-girl-moves-to-LA-works-minimum-wage-and-becomes-a-prostitute-to -pay-her-bills-gets-pregnant-with-movie-rental-place-owner-and-starts-wearing-a-muumuu".  I want just enough reality to suck me in and then in enough ridiculous to distract me from my life. 

Secondly "the plot was resolved to easily".  My argument for this one rests heavily on the first premise that movies are in fact not real.  Real life is hard, and messy, and gross, and nothing works out that easy.  So why in thee blue hell would I pay money to see it!  Eff that I can just stay home and fight with my divorced parents!  Or spend 10 minutes talking to my teenage sister about her drama!  My absolute favorite thing about movies is it gives me completely unfounded hope that everything in my life is going to magically work out in the end because if  Mr. Sparks penned it, then I can live it gosh dang it!  It makes me happy! I like walking out of a movie saying "Wow Sandra Bullok really inspired me to love others and help the needy" not "MAN! I'm so glad everyone died in that movie and it was rainy the whole time!"  seriously. 

anyways that's my thoughts today.  Go buy the soundtrack to Rock of Ages.  You need it.

Explosians are not comfortable

I was told I had big boobs today and it totally changed my life.  I'm not kidding.  I was standing at work today with three other girls.  The one girl was leaning over the hostess stand and as a joke the other girl was all like "put those away before I get jealous!"  (It was funny i swear not gross hahaha) I then looked at her and say "Yeah seriously! I wish I had half of your good luck"  they then proceeded to all stare at me with this half quizzical half comical looks on their faces and said "Emily...you have big boobs".  BOOM!  Holy mother of paradigm shifts.

And here's a little education for your craniums inter-webs people!  In the Martin-Webster dictionary a paradigm has three definitions which you may choose to look up with on your own for I have not the finger strength to type it all out.... nor the patients.  Anyways a paradigm is defined as "an outstandingly clear or typical example or archetype".  So therefor a paradigm shift is then a radical change in an underlying belief or theory.  I'm super smart, its whatever, you learn to live with it.

Genetically speaking I should have giant mounds of mammary glands.  We are curvy bunch, the Bell clan, what can I say.  When I was 10 I got my first training bra and I remained an A cup until I was in like....12th grade.  In stark contrast, however, my sister was a size D in 8th grade.  My mother! My Aunt! My grandmother! RACKS! Seriously! I had like negative amount of chestiness!  I owed back breast tax!  I matured past an A eventually but still I always have had small lady lumps because in comparison to everyone around me...they ARE tiny!

I looked these girls up and down and was like....oh my gosh....they have no boobs!  So compared to them I have tons of breasticles!  It suddenly began this huge thought avalanche through my whole brain! What other things in my life that I thought were beliefs were just misconceptions waiting to be shaken by the roots?!  Do I really look best in blue?  Is my favorite food really spaghetti?!  Maybe I should give yogurt a try even though I lie and tell everyone I hate it when in actually I just don't like the way it looks (its not a liquid its not a solid....its not going in my mouth).  Is the sky even blue?!

That's my life today. 

Keep calm and carry iocane

"Osmosis Jones" has forever ruined anatomy for me.  "And this class is a white blood cell! They live for about four to five days in the average human body..." "Uh pardon me professor but actually white blood cells can live to their mid twenties and are often times voiced by very funny black comedians" For those of you who don't know, "Osmosis Jones" was a movie made in the early 2000s about the human body where cells had personality's, drove cars, fought crime, and had raves inside of pimples.  Best. Movie. Ever.  So now every time I think of the brain I think of this scene from the movie where they're basically in a huge control room.  A perfectly working switch board of logic working in cohesion for the betterment of me.  Then here comes a giant plane of emotion driven by a crazed monkey........ nnnnnnnNNNNNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWBBBBBBBFFFFFFFFFFCCCCCHHHHHHHH!
totally ruining any sort if cognitive function. 

(an interesting aside.  Have you ever tried to verbally illustrate a well known sound and then realize you spent twice as much time on deciding if an explosion should end in "k" or "h" then writing the whole first paragraph? hm. carry on. )

And I am explaining all of this to you today por why you may ask?  Very simple.  I realized I do something very stupid very often today.  So say I'm texting someone, and lets just say for arguments sake that its someone important...like a boy person.  I am eagerly anticipating their response.  My phone is normally on silent but to be sure that I am immediately aware of their text I set it to both vibrate AND ringer.  A rational response to this is to put down the dang phone and do something else while you wait.  But no, I decide to text someone else while waiting so now every time my phone erupts I have a momentary feeling of hope and then instant disappointment that its person numero two!  So I hurriedly text them back and once again *ring-a-ding-ding*  "DAMN IT!"   Look out!  Incoming monkey! nnnnNNEEEOOOWNBBBBBBFFFCHHH!  I find myself getting unreasonably angry at this person who is not the boy who has the audacity to disturb me at this critical moment in my life!  Why can't she just leave me alone! wait... I was impatient, so to pass the time I texted someone else, who has no idea that they are just a time waster, so they respond, and now I'm mad....because I texted them first. 

So yeah....he texted me 10 minutes later.

"Excuse me while I kiss the sky!"

As a teenager I always wanted to get kissed in the rain.  Through the downpour, I would see my true love across a distant parking lot or football field after a fight or maybe even more tragically, a long separation!  We would start walking towards each other and then as the anticipation of meeting grew to great we would start to run!  Then I would leap into his arms and with that would come a beautiful kiss to end all kisses, sealing forever our undying love. Thank you rom-coms for that and many other embarrassing fantasies of my adolescent heart. 

Have any of you actually been kissed in the rain? It effing sucks!  First off,  he'll never be Ryan Gosling and you will never be living out "The Notebook" I'm sorry.  Secondly, its just too much of like.... everything!  You've got the whole "I'm-trying-to-live-up-to-my-dreams" thing going on which will inevitably let you down.   Then you've got the whole "for-the-love-of-all-things-holy-please- do-not-slip-and-drop-me-in-the-JCPenny-parking-lot" thing.  Also there's the minor detail of uuuuuuummmm THE FREAKING MONSOON!  If its in the fall then its gonna be cold, if its in the summer its gonna be humid as hell and for heavens sake its just too damn wet all around!  Wet kiss! Wet cloths! Wet water falling from the sky!  It gets in your eyes, it makes half of your face melt off. Unpleasant.  

However, I would recommend kissing someone in their car whilst listening to the 80's channel on Pandora.  Very Breakfast Club :)   

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off"

Today my post isn't going to have one bit of humor in it.  Just gonna be straight up about that.  This is one of those "white-hot-fire-of-truth" posts.  I debated making it but someone very close to me said something that just irked me so bad I could have smacked them.  And the subject for today will beeeeeeeeee....the election.  Now before you huff and puff about Obama this, Romney that...black, Mormon, socialist, robber baron, racist, commie or any number of the never ending list of derogatory adjectives used to describe two people you will never personally meet in your life WHATEVER! Just cut the crap for 5 seconds!  I'm not going to even mention a party today or a particular platform that I relate to.  I, from this point on, probably wont even mention the candidates (bless their hearts).  Yes I will be voting and yes there is a particular candidate who I feel will do a better job.  I'm not telling you who it is though.  Why? Because its none of your business and not the reason why I'm writing today.

Today someone commented to me while I was obviously engrossed in a recap of the Presidents speech last night, "Why do you even get into that stuff.  It doesn't matter who you vote for".   Have you ever seen red....like literally you see the color red.  On the one hand the gentleman had a very good and valid point.  Will my vote tip the scales? Nope.  If I vote does that ensure that who I'm voting for wins? Probably not.  So.... what's the point?

I was fortunate enough to be born in a time and an age that allows me to choose what I do, where I go, and what I say.  I OWN myself.  I am beholden to no master.  Lets break it down...I want you to type something into Google for me...go ahead I'll still be here when you get back.  Type in "How many revolutions have there been in the world" and go to the Wikipedia page that comes up.  Huge list huh?  If you have the time go through and look at all of them individually.  For those of you who don't have time I'll just give you some of the basics.  The list goes from 2380 BC to current day.  The first official fight for Democracy was by the Athenians in 507 or 508 BC.  There are over 300 individual revolutions listed on this page..... seriously.  Sure some of their causes weren't the greatest (Hello communism) but what does it all mean?  What ideal drove these millions of faceless human beings over the centuries?  These people affirmed their basic human right to be heard.  They lived, loved and then died just for a voice.  For me that makes who wins a minor part in a much bigger picture.  On the 6th of November somebody is gonna win and somebody is gonna lose.  I'm gonna cast my vote along with thousands of other meaningless college students searching for a cause and a dream in this big ol' world. I'm not going to do it because I'm particularly invested in the outcome but because I'm going to assert my right as human, to a VOICE!  soooooooo SHOUT IT! SHOUT IT! SHOUT IT  OUT LOOOOOOUD!

"Dispute not with her: she is lunatic."

I have a strange question for you.  Have you ever thought about your thought process for making small and insignificant decisions?  Like really explain to yourself why you're doing what you're doing.    For example here's my thought process for picking a bathroom stall.."Ok 4 stalls...I don't want the first stall because it's right next to the sink and that's awkward, the handicapped stall at the end has the most space but what if someone came in who actually NEEDED the handicapped stall so I cant do that because that would be awkward, I don't like the second stall because it has a permanent poop stain and what if someone tried to go in it right after me and was like 'Woah! look at what that girl just did' so I can't do that because that would be awkward, sooooo looks like 3rd stall in is me"
.....in other news I also checked into a psych hospital today.  

"Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear!"

I have a few amazing things to talk about today and it might take a while so you might wanna make yourself a sandwich.

I have had serious anxiety problems all my life.  I'm basically afraid of everything new and remotely fun.  This past week I did two things that I swore I would never do: learned how to drive stick and flew across the country.

When I was 16 I started learning how to drive with my dad in what was supposed to be my first car, a super old crappy Ford truck.... manual. I love my dad don't get me wrong but his teaching methods are a little, well, lets just say I'm really glad that that truck met an untimely death and was indeed NOT my first vehicle.  This year my sister left for college and took my trusty Geo with her *sob* which necessitated me getting a new car.  Insert 2001 Ford Ranger..... manual. sigh.  The thought of driving stick just terrifies me!  "What if I drift back and hit someone? What if I get distracted trying to shift and hit someone? What if I stall in the middle of an intersection and someone hits me!?!?!?! HUH?!?!?! WHAT HAPPENS THEN!!!!!!!!"  People have been trying to teach me all summer and bless their hearts I'm just the most unteachable human being on the face of this planet!  Well Hannah left last week and there I was with two options: Ranger or 12 seater van.  Damn it.  So as I was sitting on my couch this Wednesday, glaring at the thing in my driveway contemplating the unfairness of the universe I decided "Eh.  The heck with it, I'm gonna drive the dang thing if it kills me".  So I grabbed the keys off the counter and skipped on my merry way.  Then the most miraculous thing happened.  I drove it....like actually drove it! HAZA!

Secondly I flew again!   Flying just terrifies me to the point were I can't really describe it.  I can't even think about flying.  Seriously.  Well my dear friend Janelle Helman got married on Saturday in California and I was GOING to be there.  Originally I was going to drive and do a super huge road trip with my best friend but unfortunately that fell through and my only option was to fly.  Every time I have flown it has been a horribly traumatic experience.  This time it was about a 7 hour flight and that gives you a lot of time to think about life and your fears.  I discovered a few things on that trip.  I will never be without fear, thats just impossible.   I don't need to limit my life to one side of the fence simply because I'm to scared to jump over it or too dumb to walk around it.  I can live with my fear! Having fear makes me stronger!  To be able to say "I did that even though I thought I couldn't"  is the greatest joy of being human.  This idea alone gives me unlimited possibilities with my life!  It gives me a new perspective on how to face challenges.  I can do anything and that is my God given right.  I am only limited by my drive to get there and my fear of failing.  "I am the master of my fate! I AM THE MASTER OF MY SOUL!"

"Fate tried to conceal him by naming him 'Smith' "

So not that anyone reads this or whatever but if someone is you will have not failed to notice that I changed the name! woo!

Whenever I decided to finally break down and get me wanna these things I had the hardest time coming up with a name.  Heaven forbid I ever have to name a child.  The original name was "An Admiral Thing" which was a double meaning.  On the one hand it was part of a quote from my favorite book (Les Mis) but also I chose it because I had always talked bad about people who felt the need to make blogs and it was kind of my homage to my bravery in eating crow ha ha.  I wasn't really that sold on the name but I just decided "eh heck with it that will do".  Then about a month ago I was reading a cook book (I know I know its strange but I like it OK don't judge me)  and the title just was so cool and catchy and it was called "The Lady Had Seconds" (please control your shocked faces)  And I just couldn't get it out of my head which lead me to start thinking about the meaning behind it.

I hate being put in a box or labeled more then anything else in this world.  This has led to me being told on multiple occasions by just about everyone "I wish you would be a little more lady like".  Grr.  I think thats absolutely ridiculous because in my opinion I am very ladylike!  "being a lady" means different things to me I guess.  By my definition, a lady is a women who has passion.  Someone who knows who she is and what she wants and how to get it regardless of the opinions of the world or its meaningless trends, fads and fashions.  The thought of limiting the definition of a lady by such frivolous gender and social rolls to mean nothing more then crossing your ankles, saying please and thank you and never letting the skin above her knees show utterly baffles me.  Thats, I think, why I fell in love with the title.  Lady's aren't supposed to have anything more then a filling salad let alone seconds!  But you know what, my kind of lady doesn't just have seconds she has deserts too!

Honestly thats what this blog is supposed to be too.  An unapologetic view of my life and opinions.   So yeah.... eat up!

Bless your little heart

As much as I come off as this cold, heartless person let me assure you that it is totally a front.  I'm probably one of the most sensitive people you will ever meet.  Babies, birthdays, puppies, flowers, weddings, funerals, movies, commercials....instant waterworks.  OH and boys...don't even get me started on the hours spent bemoaning boys.  Which funny enough leads me to the story I wanted to tell you! So like I said boys make me cry and that, in my book, is just unacceptable behavior! So I just keep them at arms length to be safe... sometimes...kind of.... ok so not really but the point is, I might act like a man eater sometimes as a preemptive strike against said tear inducing men!  I'm not vengeful, however.  You might break my heart but I wont break your face or your precious truck, I'll just eat my feelings thank you very much and good day to you sir!  Which is what makes my behavior in this next story that much more shocking.

So I was having a super awesome hair day, which, if you know me, is how all bad decisions start in my life.  Anyways so I was having a good hair day and I went to a past past boyfriend's, current girlfriend's place of employment to buy something.  I have never met this women in my whole life but I know who she is due to um.... facebook. ha.

ANYWAYS so I decided because I am an awesome cashier that I would use the self checkout which she just so happened to be supervising.  I had absolutely no intention of speaking to her, let that be clear.  I instantly felt loathing towards me just seeping through her veins.  I couldn't figure out why at first because she seriously has no idea who I am and then I saw it.... the torn up chucks.

 OH yes, ripped up chucks, indie band pins, ever just so messy enough hair that at the same time is perfectly styled and a "I-liked-it-first" general attitude, this, my friends, was a hipster elitist.  This would be a good time to mention what I was sporting.  Black turtleneck, cuffed designer jeans, matching shoes and purse and a floral silk scarf.  Thats right folks, she didn't hate me because I dated her boyfriend or even because I was breaking her machines.  She was treating me like a jerk solely based on the fact that because I dress a certain way I must therefor endorse killing the ozone, beating baby seals to death and in general harkening to the beck and call of the system, content to spend my days being held down by the man.... man!

As much as I now wanted to lunge for her throat, I held it in because I'm an adult.  So I proceeded to carry on with my order and the stupid machine wouldn't take my card which necessitated her coming over and assisting me.  Go figure.  Comes over and she says "what did you do" "the machine won't take my card" "well what did you do" BECAUSE I HAVE OBVIOUSLY ENGINEERED THIS MALFUNCTION BECAUSE I WANT TO SPEND ALL DAY IN YOUR LOVING PRESENCE!
anyways and then she says "its ok most people arn't really smart enough to work these..."

at this point in the story you should all insert "Black Betty" by Ram Jam because thats what's going through my head at this very moment.

So I take my stuff and as I pass her to leave the following conversation occurs.
"Hey this is kind of random but arn't you dating (insert name)"
"Yes actually I am, do you know him?"
"oh yeah we go waaaaay back"
"oh really? thats cool."
"yeah ya know I was talking to him and you are a lot prettier then he made you out to be"

best part? Took her exactly 2 seconds to realize that wasn't a compliment.

Stupid is as Stupid does, Sir

Since this is a blog and therefor naturally intended to be totally and completely self serving, I feel as if I should take advantage of it and harness its powers to correct a serious misconception about me.
I am not clumsy.  So kiss my grits.
The reason this falsehood continues to circulate is because of two reasons.  Numero Uno: I have a tragic propensity for falling down when I'm in front of everyone or nothing else is going on to distract people.  Part Deux: I don't fall....I shit-whip.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's when you go from a vertical position to a horizontal position in a matter of milliseconds with not even enough time to get your hands up to protect your face.  Thus incurring instant whiplash.
SO! With this in mind I shall give you the top five stories that have put this "Emily-has-serious-gravity-issues" in everyones heads.

5:  One Sunday, Clarrisa Helman, Deanna Whitlock, and Katy Martin came to my ward without telling me.  Being incredibly excited I decided the best thing to do was to run at them and then jump and click my heals together.  I. Am. So. Brilliant.  Running and jumping went so well.....landing did not.  When I landed my heal twisted and I shit whipped so hard I got road rash all over my left side.  Did I mention this was in the middle of the parking lot?  True Story.

4:  I was fist pumping (like a boss) at my senior prom to "Jump Around" by House of Pain.  Amidst jumping the top half of my leg twisted one way and the bottom half went the other way.  I spent the next two weeks in a knee brace.  Sigh.  I'M A GOOD DANCER I SWEAR!

3:  I was sitting on the edge of one of the office chairs at work and I was looking for a pair of scissors.  I couldn't find any on top of the desk so I decided that I should (while sitting in the chair) bend over and look and see if they fell under the desk.  The chair shot out from under me at like 50 miles an hour and bounced off the safe and then fell over and taking the fan with it.  I fell back and my feet LITERALLY flew up over my head.

2: So I had an energy drink (bad idea #1)  and then decided to play volleyball after institute (bad idea #2).  There was this empty water bottle rolling around on the ground and it was semi aimed at Chi Reyes' head and I decided that the best plan in this whole wide world would be to jump on it so that the  cap would shoot off and hit her in the face! I was sadly mistaken.  As soon as my ankles hit the bottle....shit-whipped straight onto the back of my head.  Instant migraine.

1:  When I was a kid I was never permitted to own a trampoline because they were "flying death traps" so when I see one I get really really REALLY excited and I, as a matter of life and death, must jump upon it.  My dear friend Lauren Avey happens to own one and one day we were hanging in her back yard.  Hear is the set up.  The trampoline was about 15 yards away from me and there was a little plastic stole with a woven top sitting right beside it.  I took a running start at the trampoline and was planning on jumping into a super sweet round house kick onto the trampoline.  As usual...things did not go as planned.  I jumped onto the stool and had managed to get my leg up onto the trampoline when my other foot went straight through the stool, IMPALING IT, and my other leg hooked onto the trampoline and sent me into a neck-braking, coma-causing back flip, coming to a stop squarely on my four head.  We spent the next 10 minutes trying to remove the stool from my flesh because if you tried to yank it off the top part would go into my leg and if you tried to push it the bottom part wold go into my leg and we were laughing to dang hard to think of any good ideas like, oh i don't know maybe, pull both sides in unison.

So once again, contrary to popular belief I am not clumsy....just incredibly stupid.

I got soul, but I'm not a solider!

I am not a naturally calm or rational human being.  I used to live almost completely as a slave to my emotions, whatever they may be.  It really is an awful way to live, reacting first and then thinking later.  Then I came to a marvelous and beautiful realization within the last 6 months.  I have and authority problem! No one and nothing can tell me what to do! WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING LETTING MY FEELINGS CONTROL ME?!?!?!?!

Once I came to grasp this very simple concept I began to rebel against... myself? (Im also slightly insane apparently....refer to previous third person narration) I have to work really hard but I honestly think I have come a far way.  Insert short narrative about my day! 

I woke up late because I was up till 1 on the phone.  Then I couldn't find my shoes.  I got to work and was immediately railed upon for being late.  Punctuality....a concept I shall never grasp...MOVING ON!  

Then a customer yelled at me.  Then a very dear friend of mine unintentionally pushed me dangerously close to the edge by telling me that someone in my primary class was complaining about me to their mother (a topic for another day, I feel).  I had to call upon all of my will power to maintain a very fragile good mood till break.  When I got to the break room I put in my 50 cents into the soda machine and then the most beautiful and magical thing happened.  I received an extra soda! boo. ya.  

Pepsi....saving lives one mechanical malfunction at a time.  HAZA!  

So I work at a grocery store.  Its not exactly the most glamorous of jobs but it pays the bills.  I actually love my job in a strange, sick way.  But then again, there are those days, where it makes me doubt the human race as a whole.  True story.

Anyways, let me tell you, I have seen a lot of horrible human beings, but there is one specific breed of customer that never ceases to push me over the edge EVERY DANG TIME!  No its not the old ladies who insist on digging through their entire purse with shaking fingers and diminished eye site for 73 cents. No it is not the cranky man who insists on getting that 46 cent refund for those pears that were not correctly labeled "for the principle of the thing".   Its not even the really really REALLY burnt out guy who bought two Snickers bars that were buy one get one free and could not wrap his brain around the fact that they take half of of BOTH so that it EQUALS buy one get one.  (we argued about it for 15 mins I kid you not.  after which he said "you all must be smoking crack out back" THE IRONY NEVER ENDS!)

The worst kind of costumer is the one that thinks their funny.  Let me explain.  I stand on my feet in one spot for up to 8 1/2 hours at a time and listen to you whine and gripe about EVERYTHING because I obviously have control over where we stock the marshmallows and why we no longer carry your favorite kind of iced tea  (did i mention i hardly make enough money to buy just about, well, anything).  Then I go home, go to bed, and do it again. Every. Day. Of. My Life.  Therefor...I really don't feel like laughing at your super lame jokes.  Please and Thank you.  

"Can you describe the ruckus sir?"

Well.  I have reached a new level of self importance in my utterly ridiculous existence.  With this blog I do declare that I, Emily Irvin, have not only thoughts, feelings, and deeds worthy enough to transcribe into a semi permanent setting, but also that they are important enough for others to not only read but to subscribe to! And like! And repost! And share with the world! HAZA!
 
Unlike most blogs that I have had the great pleasure to snoop through I have noticed that there is usually some sort of goal setting or theme that is declared that the blogger will then try and follow through out there things or whatever.  Not so says I,  this is going to be about me.  Period.  I don't intend for anyone to actually read this.  Ever.  So I might as well just not set any goals.  Like the rest of my sad, sad sorry life.  Just kidding. MOVING ON!

I wont pretend to foresee where this is going but I am going to give myself a few ground rules so I pray your indulgence, dear sweet non -existent reader, as I participate in a shameless bout of third person narration.

RULE #1 :  Do not put your social security number on here

RULE #2 :  If your gonna rant and spew and rave do everyone the courtesy of naming names.  No one goes to a blog to see you dance around what may or may not of happened with names that can't be mentioned.  And people arn't stupid.  They're gonna figure it out anyways.

(AMENDMENT TO RULE 2:  THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE EX BOYFRIENDS!..... demonstrate some class there emmers geez)

RULE #3 :  Do not bring up your parents.  They will find you and kill you in your sleep.

RULE #4 : Do not bring up any of your coworkers.  FOR ALL  THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD!

RULE #5 : Do not mention or allude to any CURRENT relationships.  Past relationships are totally and utterly fair game (just don't name names....so others don't seek them out to kill them...for they are the worst kinds of dbags)

and that is that.