Since this is a blog and therefor naturally intended to be totally and completely self serving, I feel as if I should take advantage of it and harness its powers to correct a serious misconception about me.
I am not clumsy. So kiss my grits.
The reason this falsehood continues to circulate is because of two reasons. Numero Uno: I have a tragic propensity for falling down when I'm in front of everyone or nothing else is going on to distract people. Part Deux: I don't fall....I shit-whip. For those of you who don't know what that is, it's when you go from a vertical position to a horizontal position in a matter of milliseconds with not even enough time to get your hands up to protect your face. Thus incurring instant whiplash.
SO! With this in mind I shall give you the top five stories that have put this "Emily-has-serious-gravity-issues" in everyones heads.
5: One Sunday, Clarrisa Helman, Deanna Whitlock, and Katy Martin came to my ward without telling me. Being incredibly excited I decided the best thing to do was to run at them and then jump and click my heals together. I. Am. So. Brilliant. Running and jumping went so well.....landing did not. When I landed my heal twisted and I shit whipped so hard I got road rash all over my left side. Did I mention this was in the middle of the parking lot? True Story.
4: I was fist pumping (like a boss) at my senior prom to "Jump Around" by House of Pain. Amidst jumping the top half of my leg twisted one way and the bottom half went the other way. I spent the next two weeks in a knee brace. Sigh. I'M A GOOD DANCER I SWEAR!
3: I was sitting on the edge of one of the office chairs at work and I was looking for a pair of scissors. I couldn't find any on top of the desk so I decided that I should (while sitting in the chair) bend over and look and see if they fell under the desk. The chair shot out from under me at like 50 miles an hour and bounced off the safe and then fell over and taking the fan with it. I fell back and my feet LITERALLY flew up over my head.
2: So I had an energy drink (bad idea #1) and then decided to play volleyball after institute (bad idea #2). There was this empty water bottle rolling around on the ground and it was semi aimed at Chi Reyes' head and I decided that the best plan in this whole wide world would be to jump on it so that the cap would shoot off and hit her in the face! I was sadly mistaken. As soon as my ankles hit the bottle....shit-whipped straight onto the back of my head. Instant migraine.
1: When I was a kid I was never permitted to own a trampoline because they were "flying death traps" so when I see one I get really really REALLY excited and I, as a matter of life and death, must jump upon it. My dear friend Lauren Avey happens to own one and one day we were hanging in her back yard. Hear is the set up. The trampoline was about 15 yards away from me and there was a little plastic stole with a woven top sitting right beside it. I took a running start at the trampoline and was planning on jumping into a super sweet round house kick onto the trampoline. As usual...things did not go as planned. I jumped onto the stool and had managed to get my leg up onto the trampoline when my other foot went straight through the stool, IMPALING IT, and my other leg hooked onto the trampoline and sent me into a neck-braking, coma-causing back flip, coming to a stop squarely on my four head. We spent the next 10 minutes trying to remove the stool from my flesh because if you tried to yank it off the top part would go into my leg and if you tried to push it the bottom part wold go into my leg and we were laughing to dang hard to think of any good ideas like, oh i don't know maybe, pull both sides in unison.
So once again, contrary to popular belief I am not clumsy....just incredibly stupid.
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