Stupid is as Stupid does, Sir

Since this is a blog and therefor naturally intended to be totally and completely self serving, I feel as if I should take advantage of it and harness its powers to correct a serious misconception about me.
I am not clumsy.  So kiss my grits.
The reason this falsehood continues to circulate is because of two reasons.  Numero Uno: I have a tragic propensity for falling down when I'm in front of everyone or nothing else is going on to distract people.  Part Deux: I don't fall....I shit-whip.  For those of you who don't know what that is, it's when you go from a vertical position to a horizontal position in a matter of milliseconds with not even enough time to get your hands up to protect your face.  Thus incurring instant whiplash.
SO! With this in mind I shall give you the top five stories that have put this "Emily-has-serious-gravity-issues" in everyones heads.

5:  One Sunday, Clarrisa Helman, Deanna Whitlock, and Katy Martin came to my ward without telling me.  Being incredibly excited I decided the best thing to do was to run at them and then jump and click my heals together.  I. Am. So. Brilliant.  Running and jumping went so well.....landing did not.  When I landed my heal twisted and I shit whipped so hard I got road rash all over my left side.  Did I mention this was in the middle of the parking lot?  True Story.

4:  I was fist pumping (like a boss) at my senior prom to "Jump Around" by House of Pain.  Amidst jumping the top half of my leg twisted one way and the bottom half went the other way.  I spent the next two weeks in a knee brace.  Sigh.  I'M A GOOD DANCER I SWEAR!

3:  I was sitting on the edge of one of the office chairs at work and I was looking for a pair of scissors.  I couldn't find any on top of the desk so I decided that I should (while sitting in the chair) bend over and look and see if they fell under the desk.  The chair shot out from under me at like 50 miles an hour and bounced off the safe and then fell over and taking the fan with it.  I fell back and my feet LITERALLY flew up over my head.

2: So I had an energy drink (bad idea #1)  and then decided to play volleyball after institute (bad idea #2).  There was this empty water bottle rolling around on the ground and it was semi aimed at Chi Reyes' head and I decided that the best plan in this whole wide world would be to jump on it so that the  cap would shoot off and hit her in the face! I was sadly mistaken.  As soon as my ankles hit the bottle....shit-whipped straight onto the back of my head.  Instant migraine.

1:  When I was a kid I was never permitted to own a trampoline because they were "flying death traps" so when I see one I get really really REALLY excited and I, as a matter of life and death, must jump upon it.  My dear friend Lauren Avey happens to own one and one day we were hanging in her back yard.  Hear is the set up.  The trampoline was about 15 yards away from me and there was a little plastic stole with a woven top sitting right beside it.  I took a running start at the trampoline and was planning on jumping into a super sweet round house kick onto the trampoline.  As usual...things did not go as planned.  I jumped onto the stool and had managed to get my leg up onto the trampoline when my other foot went straight through the stool, IMPALING IT, and my other leg hooked onto the trampoline and sent me into a neck-braking, coma-causing back flip, coming to a stop squarely on my four head.  We spent the next 10 minutes trying to remove the stool from my flesh because if you tried to yank it off the top part would go into my leg and if you tried to push it the bottom part wold go into my leg and we were laughing to dang hard to think of any good ideas like, oh i don't know maybe, pull both sides in unison.

So once again, contrary to popular belief I am not clumsy....just incredibly stupid.

I got soul, but I'm not a solider!

I am not a naturally calm or rational human being.  I used to live almost completely as a slave to my emotions, whatever they may be.  It really is an awful way to live, reacting first and then thinking later.  Then I came to a marvelous and beautiful realization within the last 6 months.  I have and authority problem! No one and nothing can tell me what to do! WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING LETTING MY FEELINGS CONTROL ME?!?!?!?!

Once I came to grasp this very simple concept I began to rebel against... myself? (Im also slightly insane apparently....refer to previous third person narration) I have to work really hard but I honestly think I have come a far way.  Insert short narrative about my day! 

I woke up late because I was up till 1 on the phone.  Then I couldn't find my shoes.  I got to work and was immediately railed upon for being late.  Punctuality....a concept I shall never grasp...MOVING ON!  

Then a customer yelled at me.  Then a very dear friend of mine unintentionally pushed me dangerously close to the edge by telling me that someone in my primary class was complaining about me to their mother (a topic for another day, I feel).  I had to call upon all of my will power to maintain a very fragile good mood till break.  When I got to the break room I put in my 50 cents into the soda machine and then the most beautiful and magical thing happened.  I received an extra soda! boo. ya.  

Pepsi....saving lives one mechanical malfunction at a time.  HAZA!  

So I work at a grocery store.  Its not exactly the most glamorous of jobs but it pays the bills.  I actually love my job in a strange, sick way.  But then again, there are those days, where it makes me doubt the human race as a whole.  True story.

Anyways, let me tell you, I have seen a lot of horrible human beings, but there is one specific breed of customer that never ceases to push me over the edge EVERY DANG TIME!  No its not the old ladies who insist on digging through their entire purse with shaking fingers and diminished eye site for 73 cents. No it is not the cranky man who insists on getting that 46 cent refund for those pears that were not correctly labeled "for the principle of the thing".   Its not even the really really REALLY burnt out guy who bought two Snickers bars that were buy one get one free and could not wrap his brain around the fact that they take half of of BOTH so that it EQUALS buy one get one.  (we argued about it for 15 mins I kid you not.  after which he said "you all must be smoking crack out back" THE IRONY NEVER ENDS!)

The worst kind of costumer is the one that thinks their funny.  Let me explain.  I stand on my feet in one spot for up to 8 1/2 hours at a time and listen to you whine and gripe about EVERYTHING because I obviously have control over where we stock the marshmallows and why we no longer carry your favorite kind of iced tea  (did i mention i hardly make enough money to buy just about, well, anything).  Then I go home, go to bed, and do it again. Every. Day. Of. My Life.  Therefor...I really don't feel like laughing at your super lame jokes.  Please and Thank you.  

"Can you describe the ruckus sir?"

Well.  I have reached a new level of self importance in my utterly ridiculous existence.  With this blog I do declare that I, Emily Irvin, have not only thoughts, feelings, and deeds worthy enough to transcribe into a semi permanent setting, but also that they are important enough for others to not only read but to subscribe to! And like! And repost! And share with the world! HAZA!
 
Unlike most blogs that I have had the great pleasure to snoop through I have noticed that there is usually some sort of goal setting or theme that is declared that the blogger will then try and follow through out there things or whatever.  Not so says I,  this is going to be about me.  Period.  I don't intend for anyone to actually read this.  Ever.  So I might as well just not set any goals.  Like the rest of my sad, sad sorry life.  Just kidding. MOVING ON!

I wont pretend to foresee where this is going but I am going to give myself a few ground rules so I pray your indulgence, dear sweet non -existent reader, as I participate in a shameless bout of third person narration.

RULE #1 :  Do not put your social security number on here

RULE #2 :  If your gonna rant and spew and rave do everyone the courtesy of naming names.  No one goes to a blog to see you dance around what may or may not of happened with names that can't be mentioned.  And people arn't stupid.  They're gonna figure it out anyways.

(AMENDMENT TO RULE 2:  THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE EX BOYFRIENDS!..... demonstrate some class there emmers geez)

RULE #3 :  Do not bring up your parents.  They will find you and kill you in your sleep.

RULE #4 : Do not bring up any of your coworkers.  FOR ALL  THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD!

RULE #5 : Do not mention or allude to any CURRENT relationships.  Past relationships are totally and utterly fair game (just don't name names....so others don't seek them out to kill them...for they are the worst kinds of dbags)

and that is that.