First World Problems

Everyone is so grateful for everything this time of year.  Its disgusting.  Seriously from Thanksgiving to New Years social media at large is bombarded with "what I'm grateful for" posts,  Look-at-my-glorious-feast Instagrahms and #ifyouloveyourfamilyclapyourhands tweets.   Bah Humbug!  I'm a selfish person the rest of the year so by golly I will be for the last month and a half.  In the tradition of non conformity that I cling to I will try and combat the nauseating sentiments that seem to permeate the air this season by giving you my list of things that I'm not grateful for.   It will be written in the style of "First World Problems".  Many of you have probably heard of this but for those of you haven't here is a brief explanation.  "First World Problems" are those irritating things that make you want to kill yourself that the starving children in Africa probably wouldn't understand.  So here are the things I'm not grateful for.... and loath.

• When you were NOT in a terrible accident and your seat belt decides to become the safety harness of death for no apparent reason, but the moment something actually happens its all like loosy goosy "hey I'm a seat belt I didn't graduate college do you expect me to save your life? not today."
• When you're out on a date and they order water and now you're forced to order water because if you don't a) you'll look like a fat lard with your carbonated beverage and b) like you don't care that you're willy nilly spending his money on conveniences such as fountain drinks.
• When Mary Poppins is standing in front of you in the grocery store and decides to look for exact change in the very bottom of her carpet bag
• Mary Poppins is blind and couldn't tell that that was in fact a nickle not a quarter
• When the cord hooking up your ipod to your car isn't long enough to reach to the back seat. 
• You hate your Christmas gift
• You hate your birthday gift
• You hate life...just kidding just wanted to go with the pattern

anyways those are just some of the things that I'm not grateful for.  you're welcome.  soooo yeah.

JUST TELL ME WHAT TO THINK!

I have a very particular taste in movies.  To the chagrin of everyone who has to watch them with me.  Most of my friends now will not watch any movies that I want to because somehow I have gotten this reputation of having absolutely no idea what "good entertainment" is.  This topic was brought to mind by me, yet again, being rebuked for recommending what I thought was a fantastic movie.  The movie in question?  Rock of Ages.  The charge being that "its totally unbelievable and the plot to easily resolved".  SOOO I am going to try and justify this movie and by doing that, my movie tastes hahaha.

First off this movie starts with a beautiful rendition of "Sister Christian" sung by an entire bus full of people that morphs into a "Just Like Paradise" and then ends with Alec Baldwin with long hair and Russel Brant as his usual raggedy Jesus self singing "Nothing but a Good Time" in what could be argued as one of the GREATEST HAIR BAND MASH UP BEGINNINGS OF A MUSICAL EVER so right off the bat...eff your face haters.  i  could end the whole argument here. 

Anyways so apparently this person doesn't like this movie because its unbelievable which is actually one of the main criticisms I get for what I like all the time.  And this is what I have to say to that....DUH!  Your sitting in a velvety seat eating 10 dollar popcorn watching a giant screen that images of people are projected on...does any of that sound real to you? No? BECAUSE ITS NOT REAL!  I don't want to pay 7+ dollars for them to show me a documentary! I want there to be explosions, graphics, zombie apocalypse, or someone falling madly in love within the first 15 minutes or I want my money back!  If I wanted to watch something real I would go to the damn woods and watch a tree grow!  Secondly, this is a musical movie, the most unreal of all movies ever.  So your argument is invalid yet again.  Thirdly the movie is about a small town girl moving to LA and making it big, falling in love, and having her boob grabbed by Tom Cruise, because all of those things are totally realistic!  No one wants to go to the movie "Small-town-girl-moves-to-LA-works-minimum-wage-and-becomes-a-prostitute-to -pay-her-bills-gets-pregnant-with-movie-rental-place-owner-and-starts-wearing-a-muumuu".  I want just enough reality to suck me in and then in enough ridiculous to distract me from my life. 

Secondly "the plot was resolved to easily".  My argument for this one rests heavily on the first premise that movies are in fact not real.  Real life is hard, and messy, and gross, and nothing works out that easy.  So why in thee blue hell would I pay money to see it!  Eff that I can just stay home and fight with my divorced parents!  Or spend 10 minutes talking to my teenage sister about her drama!  My absolute favorite thing about movies is it gives me completely unfounded hope that everything in my life is going to magically work out in the end because if  Mr. Sparks penned it, then I can live it gosh dang it!  It makes me happy! I like walking out of a movie saying "Wow Sandra Bullok really inspired me to love others and help the needy" not "MAN! I'm so glad everyone died in that movie and it was rainy the whole time!"  seriously. 

anyways that's my thoughts today.  Go buy the soundtrack to Rock of Ages.  You need it.

Explosians are not comfortable

I was told I had big boobs today and it totally changed my life.  I'm not kidding.  I was standing at work today with three other girls.  The one girl was leaning over the hostess stand and as a joke the other girl was all like "put those away before I get jealous!"  (It was funny i swear not gross hahaha) I then looked at her and say "Yeah seriously! I wish I had half of your good luck"  they then proceeded to all stare at me with this half quizzical half comical looks on their faces and said "Emily...you have big boobs".  BOOM!  Holy mother of paradigm shifts.

And here's a little education for your craniums inter-webs people!  In the Martin-Webster dictionary a paradigm has three definitions which you may choose to look up with on your own for I have not the finger strength to type it all out.... nor the patients.  Anyways a paradigm is defined as "an outstandingly clear or typical example or archetype".  So therefor a paradigm shift is then a radical change in an underlying belief or theory.  I'm super smart, its whatever, you learn to live with it.

Genetically speaking I should have giant mounds of mammary glands.  We are curvy bunch, the Bell clan, what can I say.  When I was 10 I got my first training bra and I remained an A cup until I was in like....12th grade.  In stark contrast, however, my sister was a size D in 8th grade.  My mother! My Aunt! My grandmother! RACKS! Seriously! I had like negative amount of chestiness!  I owed back breast tax!  I matured past an A eventually but still I always have had small lady lumps because in comparison to everyone around me...they ARE tiny!

I looked these girls up and down and was like....oh my gosh....they have no boobs!  So compared to them I have tons of breasticles!  It suddenly began this huge thought avalanche through my whole brain! What other things in my life that I thought were beliefs were just misconceptions waiting to be shaken by the roots?!  Do I really look best in blue?  Is my favorite food really spaghetti?!  Maybe I should give yogurt a try even though I lie and tell everyone I hate it when in actually I just don't like the way it looks (its not a liquid its not a solid....its not going in my mouth).  Is the sky even blue?!

That's my life today. 

Keep calm and carry iocane

"Osmosis Jones" has forever ruined anatomy for me.  "And this class is a white blood cell! They live for about four to five days in the average human body..." "Uh pardon me professor but actually white blood cells can live to their mid twenties and are often times voiced by very funny black comedians" For those of you who don't know, "Osmosis Jones" was a movie made in the early 2000s about the human body where cells had personality's, drove cars, fought crime, and had raves inside of pimples.  Best. Movie. Ever.  So now every time I think of the brain I think of this scene from the movie where they're basically in a huge control room.  A perfectly working switch board of logic working in cohesion for the betterment of me.  Then here comes a giant plane of emotion driven by a crazed monkey........ nnnnnnnNNNNNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWBBBBBBBFFFFFFFFFFCCCCCHHHHHHHH!
totally ruining any sort if cognitive function. 

(an interesting aside.  Have you ever tried to verbally illustrate a well known sound and then realize you spent twice as much time on deciding if an explosion should end in "k" or "h" then writing the whole first paragraph? hm. carry on. )

And I am explaining all of this to you today por why you may ask?  Very simple.  I realized I do something very stupid very often today.  So say I'm texting someone, and lets just say for arguments sake that its someone important...like a boy person.  I am eagerly anticipating their response.  My phone is normally on silent but to be sure that I am immediately aware of their text I set it to both vibrate AND ringer.  A rational response to this is to put down the dang phone and do something else while you wait.  But no, I decide to text someone else while waiting so now every time my phone erupts I have a momentary feeling of hope and then instant disappointment that its person numero two!  So I hurriedly text them back and once again *ring-a-ding-ding*  "DAMN IT!"   Look out!  Incoming monkey! nnnnNNEEEOOOWNBBBBBBFFFCHHH!  I find myself getting unreasonably angry at this person who is not the boy who has the audacity to disturb me at this critical moment in my life!  Why can't she just leave me alone! wait... I was impatient, so to pass the time I texted someone else, who has no idea that they are just a time waster, so they respond, and now I'm mad....because I texted them first. 

So yeah....he texted me 10 minutes later.

"Excuse me while I kiss the sky!"

As a teenager I always wanted to get kissed in the rain.  Through the downpour, I would see my true love across a distant parking lot or football field after a fight or maybe even more tragically, a long separation!  We would start walking towards each other and then as the anticipation of meeting grew to great we would start to run!  Then I would leap into his arms and with that would come a beautiful kiss to end all kisses, sealing forever our undying love. Thank you rom-coms for that and many other embarrassing fantasies of my adolescent heart. 

Have any of you actually been kissed in the rain? It effing sucks!  First off,  he'll never be Ryan Gosling and you will never be living out "The Notebook" I'm sorry.  Secondly, its just too much of like.... everything!  You've got the whole "I'm-trying-to-live-up-to-my-dreams" thing going on which will inevitably let you down.   Then you've got the whole "for-the-love-of-all-things-holy-please- do-not-slip-and-drop-me-in-the-JCPenny-parking-lot" thing.  Also there's the minor detail of uuuuuuummmm THE FREAKING MONSOON!  If its in the fall then its gonna be cold, if its in the summer its gonna be humid as hell and for heavens sake its just too damn wet all around!  Wet kiss! Wet cloths! Wet water falling from the sky!  It gets in your eyes, it makes half of your face melt off. Unpleasant.  

However, I would recommend kissing someone in their car whilst listening to the 80's channel on Pandora.  Very Breakfast Club :)   

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off"

Today my post isn't going to have one bit of humor in it.  Just gonna be straight up about that.  This is one of those "white-hot-fire-of-truth" posts.  I debated making it but someone very close to me said something that just irked me so bad I could have smacked them.  And the subject for today will beeeeeeeeee....the election.  Now before you huff and puff about Obama this, Romney that...black, Mormon, socialist, robber baron, racist, commie or any number of the never ending list of derogatory adjectives used to describe two people you will never personally meet in your life WHATEVER! Just cut the crap for 5 seconds!  I'm not going to even mention a party today or a particular platform that I relate to.  I, from this point on, probably wont even mention the candidates (bless their hearts).  Yes I will be voting and yes there is a particular candidate who I feel will do a better job.  I'm not telling you who it is though.  Why? Because its none of your business and not the reason why I'm writing today.

Today someone commented to me while I was obviously engrossed in a recap of the Presidents speech last night, "Why do you even get into that stuff.  It doesn't matter who you vote for".   Have you ever seen red....like literally you see the color red.  On the one hand the gentleman had a very good and valid point.  Will my vote tip the scales? Nope.  If I vote does that ensure that who I'm voting for wins? Probably not.  So.... what's the point?

I was fortunate enough to be born in a time and an age that allows me to choose what I do, where I go, and what I say.  I OWN myself.  I am beholden to no master.  Lets break it down...I want you to type something into Google for me...go ahead I'll still be here when you get back.  Type in "How many revolutions have there been in the world" and go to the Wikipedia page that comes up.  Huge list huh?  If you have the time go through and look at all of them individually.  For those of you who don't have time I'll just give you some of the basics.  The list goes from 2380 BC to current day.  The first official fight for Democracy was by the Athenians in 507 or 508 BC.  There are over 300 individual revolutions listed on this page..... seriously.  Sure some of their causes weren't the greatest (Hello communism) but what does it all mean?  What ideal drove these millions of faceless human beings over the centuries?  These people affirmed their basic human right to be heard.  They lived, loved and then died just for a voice.  For me that makes who wins a minor part in a much bigger picture.  On the 6th of November somebody is gonna win and somebody is gonna lose.  I'm gonna cast my vote along with thousands of other meaningless college students searching for a cause and a dream in this big ol' world. I'm not going to do it because I'm particularly invested in the outcome but because I'm going to assert my right as human, to a VOICE!  soooooooo SHOUT IT! SHOUT IT! SHOUT IT  OUT LOOOOOOUD!

"Dispute not with her: she is lunatic."

I have a strange question for you.  Have you ever thought about your thought process for making small and insignificant decisions?  Like really explain to yourself why you're doing what you're doing.    For example here's my thought process for picking a bathroom stall.."Ok 4 stalls...I don't want the first stall because it's right next to the sink and that's awkward, the handicapped stall at the end has the most space but what if someone came in who actually NEEDED the handicapped stall so I cant do that because that would be awkward, I don't like the second stall because it has a permanent poop stain and what if someone tried to go in it right after me and was like 'Woah! look at what that girl just did' so I can't do that because that would be awkward, sooooo looks like 3rd stall in is me"
.....in other news I also checked into a psych hospital today.