Keep calm and carry iocane

"Osmosis Jones" has forever ruined anatomy for me.  "And this class is a white blood cell! They live for about four to five days in the average human body..." "Uh pardon me professor but actually white blood cells can live to their mid twenties and are often times voiced by very funny black comedians" For those of you who don't know, "Osmosis Jones" was a movie made in the early 2000s about the human body where cells had personality's, drove cars, fought crime, and had raves inside of pimples.  Best. Movie. Ever.  So now every time I think of the brain I think of this scene from the movie where they're basically in a huge control room.  A perfectly working switch board of logic working in cohesion for the betterment of me.  Then here comes a giant plane of emotion driven by a crazed monkey........ nnnnnnnNNNNNNEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWBBBBBBBFFFFFFFFFFCCCCCHHHHHHHH!
totally ruining any sort if cognitive function. 

(an interesting aside.  Have you ever tried to verbally illustrate a well known sound and then realize you spent twice as much time on deciding if an explosion should end in "k" or "h" then writing the whole first paragraph? hm. carry on. )

And I am explaining all of this to you today por why you may ask?  Very simple.  I realized I do something very stupid very often today.  So say I'm texting someone, and lets just say for arguments sake that its someone important...like a boy person.  I am eagerly anticipating their response.  My phone is normally on silent but to be sure that I am immediately aware of their text I set it to both vibrate AND ringer.  A rational response to this is to put down the dang phone and do something else while you wait.  But no, I decide to text someone else while waiting so now every time my phone erupts I have a momentary feeling of hope and then instant disappointment that its person numero two!  So I hurriedly text them back and once again *ring-a-ding-ding*  "DAMN IT!"   Look out!  Incoming monkey! nnnnNNEEEOOOWNBBBBBBFFFCHHH!  I find myself getting unreasonably angry at this person who is not the boy who has the audacity to disturb me at this critical moment in my life!  Why can't she just leave me alone! wait... I was impatient, so to pass the time I texted someone else, who has no idea that they are just a time waster, so they respond, and now I'm mad....because I texted them first. 

So yeah....he texted me 10 minutes later.

"Excuse me while I kiss the sky!"

As a teenager I always wanted to get kissed in the rain.  Through the downpour, I would see my true love across a distant parking lot or football field after a fight or maybe even more tragically, a long separation!  We would start walking towards each other and then as the anticipation of meeting grew to great we would start to run!  Then I would leap into his arms and with that would come a beautiful kiss to end all kisses, sealing forever our undying love. Thank you rom-coms for that and many other embarrassing fantasies of my adolescent heart. 

Have any of you actually been kissed in the rain? It effing sucks!  First off,  he'll never be Ryan Gosling and you will never be living out "The Notebook" I'm sorry.  Secondly, its just too much of like.... everything!  You've got the whole "I'm-trying-to-live-up-to-my-dreams" thing going on which will inevitably let you down.   Then you've got the whole "for-the-love-of-all-things-holy-please- do-not-slip-and-drop-me-in-the-JCPenny-parking-lot" thing.  Also there's the minor detail of uuuuuuummmm THE FREAKING MONSOON!  If its in the fall then its gonna be cold, if its in the summer its gonna be humid as hell and for heavens sake its just too damn wet all around!  Wet kiss! Wet cloths! Wet water falling from the sky!  It gets in your eyes, it makes half of your face melt off. Unpleasant.  

However, I would recommend kissing someone in their car whilst listening to the 80's channel on Pandora.  Very Breakfast Club :)   

"The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off"

Today my post isn't going to have one bit of humor in it.  Just gonna be straight up about that.  This is one of those "white-hot-fire-of-truth" posts.  I debated making it but someone very close to me said something that just irked me so bad I could have smacked them.  And the subject for today will beeeeeeeeee....the election.  Now before you huff and puff about Obama this, Romney that...black, Mormon, socialist, robber baron, racist, commie or any number of the never ending list of derogatory adjectives used to describe two people you will never personally meet in your life WHATEVER! Just cut the crap for 5 seconds!  I'm not going to even mention a party today or a particular platform that I relate to.  I, from this point on, probably wont even mention the candidates (bless their hearts).  Yes I will be voting and yes there is a particular candidate who I feel will do a better job.  I'm not telling you who it is though.  Why? Because its none of your business and not the reason why I'm writing today.

Today someone commented to me while I was obviously engrossed in a recap of the Presidents speech last night, "Why do you even get into that stuff.  It doesn't matter who you vote for".   Have you ever seen red....like literally you see the color red.  On the one hand the gentleman had a very good and valid point.  Will my vote tip the scales? Nope.  If I vote does that ensure that who I'm voting for wins? Probably not.  So.... what's the point?

I was fortunate enough to be born in a time and an age that allows me to choose what I do, where I go, and what I say.  I OWN myself.  I am beholden to no master.  Lets break it down...I want you to type something into Google for me...go ahead I'll still be here when you get back.  Type in "How many revolutions have there been in the world" and go to the Wikipedia page that comes up.  Huge list huh?  If you have the time go through and look at all of them individually.  For those of you who don't have time I'll just give you some of the basics.  The list goes from 2380 BC to current day.  The first official fight for Democracy was by the Athenians in 507 or 508 BC.  There are over 300 individual revolutions listed on this page..... seriously.  Sure some of their causes weren't the greatest (Hello communism) but what does it all mean?  What ideal drove these millions of faceless human beings over the centuries?  These people affirmed their basic human right to be heard.  They lived, loved and then died just for a voice.  For me that makes who wins a minor part in a much bigger picture.  On the 6th of November somebody is gonna win and somebody is gonna lose.  I'm gonna cast my vote along with thousands of other meaningless college students searching for a cause and a dream in this big ol' world. I'm not going to do it because I'm particularly invested in the outcome but because I'm going to assert my right as human, to a VOICE!  soooooooo SHOUT IT! SHOUT IT! SHOUT IT  OUT LOOOOOOUD!

"Dispute not with her: she is lunatic."

I have a strange question for you.  Have you ever thought about your thought process for making small and insignificant decisions?  Like really explain to yourself why you're doing what you're doing.    For example here's my thought process for picking a bathroom stall.."Ok 4 stalls...I don't want the first stall because it's right next to the sink and that's awkward, the handicapped stall at the end has the most space but what if someone came in who actually NEEDED the handicapped stall so I cant do that because that would be awkward, I don't like the second stall because it has a permanent poop stain and what if someone tried to go in it right after me and was like 'Woah! look at what that girl just did' so I can't do that because that would be awkward, sooooo looks like 3rd stall in is me"
.....in other news I also checked into a psych hospital today.  

"Don't pay no mind to the demons they fill you with fear!"

I have a few amazing things to talk about today and it might take a while so you might wanna make yourself a sandwich.

I have had serious anxiety problems all my life.  I'm basically afraid of everything new and remotely fun.  This past week I did two things that I swore I would never do: learned how to drive stick and flew across the country.

When I was 16 I started learning how to drive with my dad in what was supposed to be my first car, a super old crappy Ford truck.... manual. I love my dad don't get me wrong but his teaching methods are a little, well, lets just say I'm really glad that that truck met an untimely death and was indeed NOT my first vehicle.  This year my sister left for college and took my trusty Geo with her *sob* which necessitated me getting a new car.  Insert 2001 Ford Ranger..... manual. sigh.  The thought of driving stick just terrifies me!  "What if I drift back and hit someone? What if I get distracted trying to shift and hit someone? What if I stall in the middle of an intersection and someone hits me!?!?!?! HUH?!?!?! WHAT HAPPENS THEN!!!!!!!!"  People have been trying to teach me all summer and bless their hearts I'm just the most unteachable human being on the face of this planet!  Well Hannah left last week and there I was with two options: Ranger or 12 seater van.  Damn it.  So as I was sitting on my couch this Wednesday, glaring at the thing in my driveway contemplating the unfairness of the universe I decided "Eh.  The heck with it, I'm gonna drive the dang thing if it kills me".  So I grabbed the keys off the counter and skipped on my merry way.  Then the most miraculous thing happened.  I drove it....like actually drove it! HAZA!

Secondly I flew again!   Flying just terrifies me to the point were I can't really describe it.  I can't even think about flying.  Seriously.  Well my dear friend Janelle Helman got married on Saturday in California and I was GOING to be there.  Originally I was going to drive and do a super huge road trip with my best friend but unfortunately that fell through and my only option was to fly.  Every time I have flown it has been a horribly traumatic experience.  This time it was about a 7 hour flight and that gives you a lot of time to think about life and your fears.  I discovered a few things on that trip.  I will never be without fear, thats just impossible.   I don't need to limit my life to one side of the fence simply because I'm to scared to jump over it or too dumb to walk around it.  I can live with my fear! Having fear makes me stronger!  To be able to say "I did that even though I thought I couldn't"  is the greatest joy of being human.  This idea alone gives me unlimited possibilities with my life!  It gives me a new perspective on how to face challenges.  I can do anything and that is my God given right.  I am only limited by my drive to get there and my fear of failing.  "I am the master of my fate! I AM THE MASTER OF MY SOUL!"

"Fate tried to conceal him by naming him 'Smith' "

So not that anyone reads this or whatever but if someone is you will have not failed to notice that I changed the name! woo!

Whenever I decided to finally break down and get me wanna these things I had the hardest time coming up with a name.  Heaven forbid I ever have to name a child.  The original name was "An Admiral Thing" which was a double meaning.  On the one hand it was part of a quote from my favorite book (Les Mis) but also I chose it because I had always talked bad about people who felt the need to make blogs and it was kind of my homage to my bravery in eating crow ha ha.  I wasn't really that sold on the name but I just decided "eh heck with it that will do".  Then about a month ago I was reading a cook book (I know I know its strange but I like it OK don't judge me)  and the title just was so cool and catchy and it was called "The Lady Had Seconds" (please control your shocked faces)  And I just couldn't get it out of my head which lead me to start thinking about the meaning behind it.

I hate being put in a box or labeled more then anything else in this world.  This has led to me being told on multiple occasions by just about everyone "I wish you would be a little more lady like".  Grr.  I think thats absolutely ridiculous because in my opinion I am very ladylike!  "being a lady" means different things to me I guess.  By my definition, a lady is a women who has passion.  Someone who knows who she is and what she wants and how to get it regardless of the opinions of the world or its meaningless trends, fads and fashions.  The thought of limiting the definition of a lady by such frivolous gender and social rolls to mean nothing more then crossing your ankles, saying please and thank you and never letting the skin above her knees show utterly baffles me.  Thats, I think, why I fell in love with the title.  Lady's aren't supposed to have anything more then a filling salad let alone seconds!  But you know what, my kind of lady doesn't just have seconds she has deserts too!

Honestly thats what this blog is supposed to be too.  An unapologetic view of my life and opinions.   So yeah.... eat up!

Bless your little heart

As much as I come off as this cold, heartless person let me assure you that it is totally a front.  I'm probably one of the most sensitive people you will ever meet.  Babies, birthdays, puppies, flowers, weddings, funerals, movies, commercials....instant waterworks.  OH and boys...don't even get me started on the hours spent bemoaning boys.  Which funny enough leads me to the story I wanted to tell you! So like I said boys make me cry and that, in my book, is just unacceptable behavior! So I just keep them at arms length to be safe... sometimes...kind of.... ok so not really but the point is, I might act like a man eater sometimes as a preemptive strike against said tear inducing men!  I'm not vengeful, however.  You might break my heart but I wont break your face or your precious truck, I'll just eat my feelings thank you very much and good day to you sir!  Which is what makes my behavior in this next story that much more shocking.

So I was having a super awesome hair day, which, if you know me, is how all bad decisions start in my life.  Anyways so I was having a good hair day and I went to a past past boyfriend's, current girlfriend's place of employment to buy something.  I have never met this women in my whole life but I know who she is due to um.... facebook. ha.

ANYWAYS so I decided because I am an awesome cashier that I would use the self checkout which she just so happened to be supervising.  I had absolutely no intention of speaking to her, let that be clear.  I instantly felt loathing towards me just seeping through her veins.  I couldn't figure out why at first because she seriously has no idea who I am and then I saw it.... the torn up chucks.

 OH yes, ripped up chucks, indie band pins, ever just so messy enough hair that at the same time is perfectly styled and a "I-liked-it-first" general attitude, this, my friends, was a hipster elitist.  This would be a good time to mention what I was sporting.  Black turtleneck, cuffed designer jeans, matching shoes and purse and a floral silk scarf.  Thats right folks, she didn't hate me because I dated her boyfriend or even because I was breaking her machines.  She was treating me like a jerk solely based on the fact that because I dress a certain way I must therefor endorse killing the ozone, beating baby seals to death and in general harkening to the beck and call of the system, content to spend my days being held down by the man.... man!

As much as I now wanted to lunge for her throat, I held it in because I'm an adult.  So I proceeded to carry on with my order and the stupid machine wouldn't take my card which necessitated her coming over and assisting me.  Go figure.  Comes over and she says "what did you do" "the machine won't take my card" "well what did you do" BECAUSE I HAVE OBVIOUSLY ENGINEERED THIS MALFUNCTION BECAUSE I WANT TO SPEND ALL DAY IN YOUR LOVING PRESENCE!
anyways and then she says "its ok most people arn't really smart enough to work these..."

at this point in the story you should all insert "Black Betty" by Ram Jam because thats what's going through my head at this very moment.

So I take my stuff and as I pass her to leave the following conversation occurs.
"Hey this is kind of random but arn't you dating (insert name)"
"Yes actually I am, do you know him?"
"oh yeah we go waaaaay back"
"oh really? thats cool."
"yeah ya know I was talking to him and you are a lot prettier then he made you out to be"

best part? Took her exactly 2 seconds to realize that wasn't a compliment.